Wednesday, July 9, 2014

I Am a Fugitive from the FBI

Got this OFFICIAL NOTICE via email yesterday. Yikes! Since I've apparently already been found guilty, I'm taking it on the lam. I'll do my best to continuing posting here - from an undisclosed location in a country without an extradition treaty. Cash contributions to my escape fund may be sent in care of Davy Crockett, General Delivery, Abuja, Nigeria.

Federal Bureau of Investigation
Field Intelligence Groups J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C.

Attention: Beneficiary,

I am Special Agent Erick Bolt from the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Field Intelligence Groups (FIGs). We intercepted two consignment boxes at JFK Airport, New York. The boxes were scanned but found out that it contained large sum of money ($4.1 million) and also some backup documents which bears your name as the Beneficiary/Receiver of the money. Investigation was carried out on the diplomat that accompanied the boxes into the United States. Said that he was to deliver the fund to your residence as overdue payment owed to you by the Federal Republic of Nigeria through the security company in United Kingdom.

We cross check all legal documents in the boxes but we found out that your consignment was lacking an important document and we cannot release the boxes to the diplomat until the document is found, we have no other option than to confiscate your consignment.

According to Internal Revenue Code (IRC) in Title 26 also contain reporting requirement on a Form 8300, Report of Cash Payment Over $10,000 Received in a Trade or Business, money laundering activity may violate 18 USC §1956, 18 USC 1957, 18 USC 1960, and provision of Title 31, and 26 USC 6050I of the United States Code (USC), this section will discuss only those money laundering and currency violation under the jurisdiction of IRS, your consignment lacks proof of ownership certificate from the joint team of IRS and IRC, therefore you need to reply back immediately for direction on how to procure this certificate to enable us relieved the charge of evading the law on you, which is a punishable offense in the United States.

You are required to reply back within 72 hours or you will be prosecuted in a court of law for money laundering, also you are instructed to desist from further contact with any bank(s) or person(s) in Nigeria or the United Kingdom or any part of the world regarding your payment because your consignment has been confiscated by the Federal Bureau here in the United States.

Yours In Service,
Agent Erick Bolt
Regional Deputy Director
Field Intelligence Groups (FIGs)


Cap'n Bob said...

I knew there was something shady about you all along. My advice is to turn yourself in, turn state's evidence, and throw yourself on the mercy of the court.

And forward this to the nearest FBI office immediately.

Anonymous said...

Next, you will get an email from the same FBI unit saying that their investigation has determined that the transaction is legal, and that payment has been approved through the "Zenith Bank" and FedEx will deliver the money to your home. After, of course, the "FBI" collects all of your credit card information.

David Vineyard said...

Erick Bolt? What's wrong, Derek Falconer was on vacation? Dan Fowler should look into this.

At least this one passes basic grammar and spelling, most read as if they had been translated to English from Swahili.

Of course you can pay any fine via the ATM at any CVS near you ...