Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Flashback: 1836

Over the last 175 years, some of the Almanack’s old files, including copies of many past issues, have been destroyed due to fire, flood, earthquake, Indian attack and other minor disturbances. We are therefore indebted to Mr. Bill Crider of Brownsville, Texas for photographs such as this, depicting the cover of our second issue, which he purchased as a child from the local trading post.

In case you are unable to decipher the caption beneath the illustration, it reads, “Col. Crockett’s Method of Wading the Mississippi.” When I asked Davy why he seemed to be wearing a skirt, he bristled and insisted this is merely a long-tailed coat. I suppose that’s true, as a good deal of squinting reveals a row of buttons extending down to the hem.

What follows are Davy’s introductory remarks to that second issue and an explanatory note regarding his most recent session in Congress.

“Go Ahead” Reader

My printer tells me how my Almanack has gone ahead like a steamboat and has been introduced into the first semicircles in the United States. I had no idee when I first begun to write for the public that I should have such luck. I begin to think I’ve hit on the right track, and so I keep on. I don’t doubt that I shall not only be able to tree a little change, but also a little fame into the bargain. It isn’t every member of Congress that knows how to authorise as well as to speechify. And it remains to be larnt whether I shall go down to posteriors with the most credit as a Congressman, or a writer.

Although I like moony nights for hunting yet I’ll be shot if I node how to calculate the time of the moon’s rising and setting. So I got a very good Gastronomer to do it for me. I spose my readers want to know how I’ve passed my time the last year when at home. I’ve built a new tan-yard, near my house for the purpose of tanning alligator’s skins, which my wife is making up into under shirts for the young ladies. Reader I must now bid you good-bye, and may God bless you, for I can’t.

The Reasons I Didn’t Speechify in Congress the Last Winter

I spose I owe some apology for not making more stir in Congress last winter, but the fact is that I had treed a confounded cold by sleeping in the same room with a damp traveler, while in Washington. My throat and jaws were so exflunctoficated with the influenza that I even snored hoarse. I was also suffering from a bite that I received from a tame bear which my wife keeps in her dressing room to scratch her back when it itches.


BJ said...

Dang! My wife has an itchy back too. Now I know what to get her for Christmas.

Cap'n Bob said...

I wonder why he's got a keg suspended from his genitals.

Cap'n Bob said...

Oh, and when did Bill move from Alvin, Texas, to Brownsville?